“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
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HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
#SCOTUS one-star review
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
plums roundup
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭