5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
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As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
HERE’S MARKY
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
i want the dreams to chase me for once
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is