Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
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“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes