Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
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Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.