Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
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my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?