Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
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ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.