Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
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Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
All generalizations are stupid.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch