That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
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TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
That took me a moment.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good