After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
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WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
the icebreaker
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?