One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
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The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.