My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
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Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I love it all
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.