Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
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using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
sliding into dms like
My whole life was a lie.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”