Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
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A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]