*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
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Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Fight
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito