My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
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I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?