[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
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Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
how to market bottled water to dads
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.