The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
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Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Breaking news:
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
When news reporters do sports stories
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.