[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
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Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Science memes
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin