[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
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Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE