mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
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HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
So glad we cleared that up
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.