Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
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My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.