Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
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Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
incredible book dedication
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.