REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
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For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
bury ourselves
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…