Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
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What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.