I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
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MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother