me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
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me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth