*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
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Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Why am I like this?
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.