*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
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The second world war should have been called world war returns
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.