Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
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It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames