In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
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If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
“I FIXED IT!”
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.