creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
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Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”