Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
You Might Also Like
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
My Sentiments Exactly
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house