He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
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Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service