Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
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I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
felt that
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.