lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
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A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”