Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
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i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
lmfao
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.