I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
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DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
We all have our pet causes.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”