This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
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Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what