Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
You Might Also Like
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
only 11 steps left
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers