Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
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TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.