I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
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And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.