Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
You Might Also Like
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them