Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
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Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
thanksgiving in nutshell
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”