I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
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I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.