The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
You Might Also Like
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem