[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
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“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
*Inspirational Tweets*
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*