For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
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Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
The honesty is refreshing
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
In space, no one can hear…
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you