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cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
My daily affirmation
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.