Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
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“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
#MeanwhileinCanada
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?