I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
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My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Ion see the issue
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Your honor these allegations are
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”